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i'm thinking of ending things

Recently I watched a scary movie. It was a different type of scary. There wasn’t really any gore, no jump scares, nobody died. This movie taps into the oh so human fears we have of isolation. Anyways this isn’t a movie review this is a blog. What is your biggest fear? For what feels like forever, I was afraid of nothing. At least I said I was afraid of nothing. If you bury what scares you. If you don’t let it leave your lips. Maybe it won’t find you. Are you really scared of heights? Or are you scared of not knowing what is waiting for you at the bottom of the abyss. The empty graveyard with only your stone standing, death's shadow the lone visitor. When someone asks you “what’s your biggest fear” what do you see in their eyes? Do you see a classmate doing a stupid get to know you activity? Do you see a friend practicing honesty? Sometimes I think I see a glint of devastation. A pages long script on how they plan to use this information against me. In reality of course they don’t care. Most conversations are about waiting until it’s your turn to talk. By the time you’re done describing your biggest fear, chances are theirs is on the tip of their tongue, waiting only for the socially acceptable period after someone is finished talking to begin. Nothing wrong with that, humans are narcissistic by nature, so why does my brain imagine this deception? Place it where it wasn’t in reality. Am I more scared of what someone could do with those fears than the fears themselves? Let’s be honest, nobody is gonna hear that I'm scared of heights and crack a plan to hold me over a cliff. So perhaps it’s not spiders or snakes that really make us tremble. Perhaps it’s vulnerability that truly terrifies us. Are you scared of spiders or are you scared they will crawl into places you hide from your peers. Are you scared of the ocean or the idea that you could lose yourself in the waves and not even make a dent in its vastness. It’s a shame when we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others, it’s how we learn and grow. But what’s worse is when we aren’t vulnerable with ourselves. Introspection is hard to master but one of the most helpful tools you can have. So ask yourself, maybe tell a friend. What’re you REALLY afraid of?

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