"I'm literally just not going to eat this weekend I don't wanna look bloated at homecoming."
Whenever I see those posts reminiscing about being a kid and not caring about your weight or being healthy I have a moment. A moment of isolation. Everyone knows their childhood was different but it's easy to feel like nobody could ever relate to what you went through. Divorce, being bullied, not speaking english, abusive parents, molestation, a million and one troubles but there is always someone out there who has it 'worse than you'. That's what I told myself seeing happy posts about being a kid, even if none of them were about starving yourself. I was picked on a ton for my weight, I towered over the delicate short girls in my grade, you couldn't miss me. I started starving myself in fourth grade. I started being disgusted with myself. Why couldn't I run as fast as everyone else, fit into the same clothes? Why couldn't I be pretty like everyone else? I vomited behind closed doors, lied about meals, and still hated my body. Staring at my fat for hours while family members poked at me jokingly asking when I was going to lose weight. I wanted to know too. In seventh grade I was my skinniest and had a severe medical intervention. I was hospitalized and the only goal was to nurture me. Protein, iron, fiber, vitamin, I was deficient of everything my body needed. I stripped my soul of nourishment in hopes that it would shrivel up and dissipate. None of my friends were talking to me, hell I was barely talking to me. After being released I was on a liquid only diet that consisted of protein shakes and not much else. Before I knew it I was more fat than ever before; before I knew it I fell into an even worse depression. It took me meeting people who didn't see me for my weight or what I looked like to pull me out. Eating healthy, exercising, taking care of myself, it's been hard. I don't work out as much as I should. I eat out more than I should. I have a negative mindset far too often. But that's not the point. The point is I look in the mirror at my bare body with a genuine smile. I appreciate my pure beauty, my effervescent attitude, and my serendipitous outlook on life. When is all is said and done whether you are 400 pounds or 100 pounds you end up six feet underground and you don't have your weight. All you have is your happiness, your sadness, your memory. I have never passed a tombstone with someone's weight but I've seen their accomplishments. 'Proud Mother', 'Generous Soul', 'Kind Hearted'. When you step on a scale you don't see a failure or an accomplishment, you see a number. That's all it is. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes you must work to get to a place where what you accomplish means more to you than what you weigh. Be remembered for who you are, not what you look like.
-not too happy with not being too happy,
ayesha
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